Christmas Holidays & Family Dilemmas

The cool, dry air of December, Christmas lights lining streets and homes, greenery and bows on every doorway, mankind being a little more patient, and children a little more joyful — all are inescapable indicators that the Christmas season is upon us.

As we gather with friends and family over the next month, not all gatherings are ones we look forward to. None of our families depict the images curated by Currier and Ives or Hallmark movies. Most family Christmases are a little more like National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. (Hah!)

Families can be messy — and most have a few sticky spots.

While most people genuinely love their families, even loving families can be a tad bit messy. Balancing this with a spouse and their side of the family — and all that entails — can feel daunting. Usually, your spouse’s family, respectfully and playfully, has a whole different brand of “crazy” than yours!



Below are a few strategies for navigating three of the most common holiday dilemmas around “where we spend Christmas” and how to approach it:

1. “Where Are We Spending Christmas (Eve/Day)?”

Have this conversation with your spouse very early in the season. While our families of origin have plans, long-held traditions, and weighty expectations, the married couple is responsible for deciding how and where you spend your time. You have the freedom and autonomy to choose what works best for your family.



This reflects the natural design of family evolution and succession — we leave our families of origin and cleave to another.

Don’t believe me? Look at the animal kingdom. Even plants release seeds to grow elsewhere once maturity is reached.

Once the two of you decide on a plan that works for your marriage and your children (especially young children), lovingly communicate your plans to your families. Adults understand that marriage supersedes all relationships. They may be disappointed that you aren’t coming when they want you to, but most will be grateful for whatever time you can share.

Your family is entitled to feel disappointment — after all, you are fun, and your kids are amazing! But you are not obligated to rescue anyone from their need to make a few personal adjustments.

That’s their work.

This is important to understand as a couple, because forcing yourself into a schedule that doesn’t work for you creates resentment, stress, and strain — all of which are avoidable with gentle assertiveness communicated with love.

You will never please everyone. Ever. So stop trying. 

If others struggle to adjust, that isn’t yours to fix — it is something they must heal. Your responsibility is to stand united as a couple and create a plan you both agree on.

Remember: while Christmas Eve and Christmas Day are spiritually significant, wondrous, and holy, they are still just days on the calendar. You can gather with family any day of the year, and if grateful hearts exist, that time — whether it’s the weekend before, on the day, after the holiday, or a random day in January — time together will still be cherished.

If it feels right, you can express that you’ll change things up next year — but only if that’s a commitment you can genuinely make. More often, a simple reassurance of your love and your desire to gather soon is enough.

2. “My Mom Will Freak Out if We’re Not There on Christmas Day.”

She might. Some will. She’s entitled to her disappointment. She may cry, vent, or stomp around for a few hours — but in most cases, she will get over it.

If she truly won’t get over it, then she is more attached to punishing, shaming, or manipulating you than she is to welcoming you at a time that works for your family.

Boom.

This kind of rigid, inflexible thinking is a hallmark of a broken relational pattern that needs healing — in her.

Not. Yours. To. Fix.



Emotional manipulation is real. Some call it “guilt-tripping.” In truth, it is coercion. Coercion is controlling, unhealthy, and borderline abusive — and it is deeply unloving. Do not get pulled into that dynamic. Boundaries. Healthy boundaries protect relationships.

3. “What If Their Family Is Coming to Our House, But I Don’t Want Them Staying with Us?”

Talk with your spouse. Decide together what makes sense for your home and your peace.

Some families are tougher to host than others. That’s not judgment; it’s reality. Your home is your sanctuary, and some people are easier to enjoy in small doses, while others seamlessly mesh with the flow of your household rhythm.

Healthy people function in reality, not delusion or romanticized fantasy.
(Yep, I said that.)

Anything less than reality is distortion at best — fantasy rooted in wishful thinking, or deep delusion where all evidence of reality and truth is ignored.

If asking them to stay in a hotel, with a sibling, or elsewhere allows everyone to enjoy the visit, then that is a loving choice. Tension is never one-sided — if you feel it, I assure you, they do too.



While they may misinterpret your decision, we cannot govern how others perceive our actions. Lovingly act in the best interests of your spouse, your children, and your peace. This allows the time you do spend together to be rich, meaningful, and manageable.

A Christmas Wish for You

It’s my highest hope that you revel in the beauty, wonder, and hope of this season as we celebrate the Greatest Gift of All… LOVE.

Do you have more questions? Bigger concerns? Struggle to make decisions as a couple? Not sure how to approach your spouse about holiday stress — or marriage stress in general?

Let’s connect.

Too busy to meet this month? Let’s start the good work in the New Year.

Call now to book for January!